I have had a love of cosmetics and accessories from a young age. I began rocking a red lippie at a young age. Even at my fluffiest, lipstick and accessories always fit. I could easily find the perfect lipstick or a statement ring to make an outfit stand out. However, getting dressed has always been a struggle. For decades, I was ashamed of my body and how big it was, so my style could be best characterized as punishment for not being thin. My only focus was does it cover everything I want covered? Does it look good, does it accentuate my best features, is it comfortable, is it stylish, is it good quality…none of that mattered. Does it cover all the parts of my body I hated?
As I grew older, I started to shift away from covering everything and began to explore different styles and fits that flattered my body. I wasn’t as afraid of tighter-fitting pieces. Let’s be honest, all that fabric wasn’t hiding my size. In some cases, it actually made me look bigger. I went outside of the usual drab color palette. I started to develop a sense of style, but still the very first question I asked was will this fit? As the lipedema started to spread in my body, the next question became will this become painful? My arms and legs were swelling, and even though something fit 2 days ago that doesn’t mean it’ll fit today. I also had an array of sizes in my closet, “just in case.” I was always anticipating getting bigger and needing to go back to larger sizes or more roomy cuts. Even when I lost weight, I kept the larger clothes because inevitably I would need them.
Before surgery, I had a massive closet clean out. I took out everything I owned, tried it on, and made a decision to toss, donate, or keep. I got rid of all the larger sizes. I won’t need them anymore. My weight may fluctuate, but I have a better idea of what is happening with my body now. So, I’m no longer resigned to the fact that the weight I lost is coming back eventually. I also got rid of things I didn’t really care for but bought because they fit. If I didn’t feel good when trying something on, I got rid of it. I was left with what I thought were things I loved. It’s been a few months, and that’s not the case at all.
While I was expecting my body to change post-op, I wasn’t expecting to be this unsure of my style and what I like. I still approach style through the lens of “does it fit?” I have a rough idea of what I like but don’t have a definitive picture. I spent so long worrying about fit and function without giving a thought to do I like this or is it “me?” Now I’m asking those questions and don’t have a good answer.
I am struggling to define my style, and this ever-changing body doesn’t help the situation. I still need multiple surgeries, so even though my body is smaller, it’s still pretty disproportionate. I still have some meltdowns when it comes to deciding what to wear because I don’t like how something accentuates my arms, stomach, or legs. I’m in between sizes, so I struggle to find things that fit properly off the rack. I’m hesitant to get things tailored because my body is changing and will continue to change for a while. The medical grade compression leggings I wear every day don’t exactly help when it comes to stylish outfits. Sensible, comfortable shoes also don’t help. So, I’m trying to be patient, and sticking to stretchy, more forgiving fabrics and shoes to help keep me moving.
Rather than view this as another negative, I am trying to be excited about the opportunity to redefine my style without all these self-imposed parameters and restrictions. As I dismantle these false belief systems I’ve built up around what I “should” wear, I need to figure out what I want to wear. I’ll always love a red lippie and denim jacket, but it will be interesting to see what else comes to the surface.
The LipeDiva 