When the spreadsheets and to-do lists become a reality…

I’m a planner. I love to make to do lists and figure out the details and all the moving parts. Traveling to the other side of the country for major surgery definitely deployed my inner project manager. I have spreadsheets on spreadsheets, and my daily itinerary of my trip to LA is a thing of beauty…if I do say so myself.

I arrived to LA yesterday. Flight was on time. Luggage arrived. Amazon packages with post-op supplies were en route. Uber ride was uneventful. Airbnb check-in was seamless. I unpacked. Only forgot two minor items that were easily ordered.

Then that first wave of anxiety hit and it hit HARD. This is actually happening. I’m here. The project I’m managing isn’t some work deliverable. It’s me. I’m the project. I’m certain my brain disconnected from that reality to be able to move forward with all the things that needed to be done to get here. Now I’m here, and the reality of this situation hit me hard.

So, I spent the rest of the day allowing myself to be anxious, uneasy, scared, excited, nervous, worried, lonely, and sad. All valid feelings that needed to be felt and processed because this is INTENSE. A lot of things have changed and will change and while it’s all good, it’s still a lot of change at once, and that is overwhelming.

There are a lot of feelings to process and that was definitely not on the to do list! That’s ok. Having a plan doesn’t mean accounting for every last what if scenario. It allows you time and mental energy to put towards the unexpected things that are bound to pop up. Emotions aren’t managed in spreadsheets, and this flood of emotions wasn’t unexpected. Fortunately, I had the time and space to deal with them and let them run their course.

I went to bed early and decided that today needed a few things on the to do list that would bring me some comfort and peace. At the top of that list is walking down the street to get an overpriced iced coffee at this cute place I saw on my way to the Airbnb.

Tomorrow will be filled with pre-op appointments and last minute preparations for surgery. It’ll be busy and a bit chaotic rushing from appointment to appointment. So today needs to be calm and relaxing. I’ll add that to the list.